Unexplained Weight Loss

I tightened my drawstring twice today. So I hopped on the scale just to prove that the slip knot keeps slipping or the drawstrings are just stretching out. Except I did notice my hips are swaying when I walk instead of waddling. I lost another 4 pounds, in 3 days.

I'm hardly skinny. I still have plenty of weight to spare. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I know how hard it is to lose weight. Which is why losing weight when I'm not trying to is just creepy.

It isn't so much that I'm a hypochondriac and assume that I have some horrible terminal disease that is causing me to lose weight. However, cancer does run rampant in my family. Neither of my parents made it out of their 50's. I live on pain killers for chronic pain and sometimes I wonder just how much additional pain these may be masking that would otherwise clue me in that other things are wrong.

Sometimes, I do just shed weight, though it is rare. I always gain weight after relationships end and then magically the weight disappears when I'm ready to start dating again. But I've been an emotional basket case these past few weeks. It just makes no sense that my body could be trying to tell me it's time to get back out there.

But the really pathetic thing is that I'm not sure which scenario rattles me more, some unknown disease or dating.

Better to Have Loved and Lost

I can't remember the name of the movie or show that I had seen but one friend had tried consoling a grieving friend with the words "it is better to have lost and loved then never to have loved at all." The friend quipped "You should try it". Maybe its one of those the grass is greener on the other side of the fence thing. To live your entire life without having had experienced that one deep special love of your life. To have never found your soulmate. On the flip side, to have belonged to someone. To have found your epic love, and then lost them. To have to spend the rest of your life knowing what you are living without. Which scenario sucks worse really?

I guess I can't really decide which would be worst. I'm on the side of the fence with the rest of the people who remain unloved. That's a serious headtrip during my depressive lows. I'm unlovable. I try to bury it but I guess I am a romantic at heart. I believe that everyone has a soulmate in the world, somewhere. I'm realistic enough to realize that not everyone finds theirs. Or is the real question about being loved in return? Unrequited love is an entirely different situation all together.

The Love/Hate Experience

I love to read. Reading provides a means of escape. I can absorb someone else's story. Lose myself in the character's lives. Forget about my own situation and problems. It is less destructive than drugs or alcohol, but still a means of escape. It's much more affordable too.

I have a love/hate attitude towards romances. Romances require some conflict that keep the lovers apart. I'm not talking about the stupid plots where the conflict is based upon one person getting jealous because their mate talked to a member of the opposite sex and therefore must be cheating. Where one feels deceived because their new love hasn't divulged information about every single aspect of their past. Or even where one person keeps themselves at a disctance, vowing never to let anyone close to them again because they've been hurt once before. Once. Before. Try a lifetime of painful relationships. Where even a trusted family member has betrayed and taken advantange of your trust. A life of so much deception and betrayal that you don't even trust God to not let you down anymore. No, those type of plots are just unimaginative and worthy of my disdain.